Thinking Beyond Science

Relationship experts churn out books by the dozen, cookbooks telling us exactly what to do when the passion and flame of romance grows dim. They offer a myriad of suggestions designed to help rekindle the romance – restructure your schedule to make romantic time a priority, plan romantic dinners or weekend getaways, compliment your mate, learn how to have a meaningful conversation.

Sometimes these things help. Sometimes they don’t.

But before pronouncing the relationship dead, one of the most beneficial things we can do when we notice a change is to simply stand back, assess the situation, and arm ourselves with as much knowledge as possible about the normal patterns of change in relationships.

As our lives play out, we develop from infancy to child-hood, to adulthood, to old age. We accept these changes in individual development as a natural progression. But a relationship is also a dynamic living system, composed of two organisms interacting in a living environment.

And as a living system, it is equally natural and right that the relationship should go through stages. In any relationship, there are different dimensions of closeness – physical, emotional, and intellectual. Bodily contact, sharing emotions, thoughts, and exchanging ideas are all legitimate ways of connecting with those we love. It is normal for the balance to wax and wane: sometimes physical closeness decreases but emotional closeness can increase; at other times we don’t feel like sharing words, but just want to be held. If we are sensitive to this issue, we can rejoice in the initial bloom of passion in a relationship, but if it cools, instead of feeling worry or anger, we can open ourselves to new forms of intimacy that can be equally – or perhaps more – satisfying. We can delight in our partner as a companion, enjoy a steadier love, a deeper bond.

In his book Intimate Behavior, Desmond Morris describes the normal changes that occur in a human being’s need for closeness. He suggests that each of us repeatedly goes through three stages: ‘Hold me tight,’ ‘Put me down,’ and ‘Leave me alone.’ The cycle first becomes apparent in the first years of life when children move from the ‘hold me tight’ phase characteristic of infancy to the ‘put me down’ stage when the child first begins to explore the world, crawl, walk, and achieve some independence and autonomy from the mother. This is part of normal development and growth.

These phases do not just move in one direction, however; at various stages a child may experience some anxiety when the feeling of separateness becomes too great, and then the child will return to the mother for soothing and closeness.

In adolescence, ‘leave me alone becomes the predominant phase as the child struggles to form an individual identity.

Although this may be difficult or painful for the parents, most experts recognize it as a normal and necessary phase in the transition from childhood to adulthood. Even within this phase, there is still a mixture of phases. While the adolescent is crying ‘Leave me alone!’ to his parents at home, the ‘hold me tight’ needs may be met by strong identification with the peer group.

In adult relationships as well, the same flux occurs.

Levels of intimacy change, with periods of greater intimacy alternating with periods of greater distance. This is also part of the normal cycle of growth and development. To reach our full potential as human beings, we need to be able to balance our needs for closeness and union with times when we must turn inward, with a sense of autonomy, to grow and develop as individuals.

The act of acceptance, of acknowledging that change is a natural part of our interactions with others, can play a vital role in our relationships. We may discover that it is at the very time when we may feel most disappointed, as if something has gone out of the relationship, that a profound transformation can occur. These transitional periods can become pivotal points when true love can begin to mature and flower. Our relationship may no longer be based on intense passion, the view of the other as the embodiment of perfection, or the feeling that we are merged with the other. But in exchange for that, we are now in a position to truly begin to know the other. To see the other as a separate individual, with faults and weaknesses perhaps, but a human being like ourselves. It is only at this point that we can make a genuine commitment, a commitment to the growth of another human being – an act of true love.

The Dalai Lama explained, ‘The ability to look at events from different perspectives can be very help-ful. Then, practicing this, one can use certain experiences, certain tragedies to develop a calmness of mind. One must realize that every phenomena, every event, has different aspects. Everything is of a relative nature.

There is no doubt that our attitude and mental outlook can strongly affect the degree to which we suffer when we are in physical pain. Let’s say, for instance, that two individuals, a construction worker and a concert pianist, suffer the same finger injury. While the amount of physical pain might be the same for both individuals, the construction worker might suffer very little and in fact rejoice if the injury resulted in a month of paid vacation, which he or she was in need of, whereas the same injury could result in intense suffering to the pianist who viewed playing as his or her primary source of joy in life.

The idea that our mental attitude influences our ability to perceive and endure pain isn’t limited to theoretical situations such as this; it has been demonstrated by many scientific studies and experiments. Researchers looking into this issue began by tracing the pathways of how pain is perceived and experienced. Pain begins with a sensory signal – an alarm that goes off when nerve endings are stimulated by something that is sensed as dangerous. Millions of signals are sent through the spinal cord to the base of the brain. These signals are then sorted out and a message is sent to higher areas of the brain telling of pain. The brain then sorts through the prescreened messages and decides on a response. It is at this stage that the mind can assign value and meaning to the pain and intensify or modify our perception of pain; we convert pain into suffering in the mind. To lessen the suffering of pain, we need to make a crucial distinction between the pain of pain and the pain we create by our thoughts about the pain, Fear, anger, guilt, loneliness, and helplessness are all mental and emotional responses that can intensify pain.

So, in developing an approach to dealing with pain, we can of course work at the lower levels of pain perception, using the tools of modern medicine such as medications and other procedures, but we can also work at the higher levels by modifying our outlook and attitude.

The human brain is equipped with an elaborate system designed to register the emotions of fear and worry. This system serves an important function – it mobilizes us to respond to danger by setting in motion a complex sequence of biochemical and physiological events. The adaptive side of worry is that it allows us to anticipate danger and take preventative action. So, some types of fears and a certain amount of worry can be healthy. However, feelings of fear and anxiety can persist and even escalate in the absence of an authentic threat, and when these emotions grow out of proportion to any real danger, they become maladaptive.

Excessive anxiety and worry can, like anger and hatred, have devastating effects on the mind and body, becoming the source of much emotional suffering and even physical illness.

On a mental level, chronic anxiety can impair judgment, increase irritability, and hinder one’s overall effectiveness.

It can also lead to physical problems including depressed immune function, heart disease, gastrointestinal disorders, fatigue, and muscle tension and pain. Anxiety disorders, for instance, have even been shown to cause stunted growth in adolescent girls.

Source : The Art of Happiness by Dalai Lama XIV, Howard C. Cutler

Goodreads : https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38210.The_Art_of_Happiness