We’re pretty decent at first impressions, but lie detection? That’s a coin toss. And passive reading of people’s thoughts and feelings? We’re horrible at it—I know a horse that’s better. Even worse, our initial mistakes stick in our minds.
The Trap of Our Own Biases
We are often our own worst enemy. Confirmation bias makes us remember hits and forget misses, blinding us to corrections that could make our story more accurate.
While passive reading flops, we can improve by getting motivated and actively engaging people. But don’t obsess over sharpening your own skills. Whether deciphering personality or spotting lies, the biggest accuracy gains come from making them send clearer signals. You can’t supercharge your lie detection much, but leverage methods like cognitive load and strategic evidence to make lying so hard they’ll slip up obviously. (And don’t mistake microwaving a Hot Pocket for alien contact.)
Why Are We So Bad? Mother Nature’s Clever Design
This begs the question: Why are we flawed at reading others? In a social species, you’d think it’d be a superpower. Should we sue Mother Nature or recall the human brain?
Our poor accuracy might not be a flaw—it’s a feature. Hyper-accuracy would be a nightmare. We all have fleeting negative feelings about partners, friends, and relationships; that’s normal. Spot every one aimed at you? Your anxieties would get anxieties. Studies show empathic accuracy isn’t always good; it’s a double-edged sword. Simpson, Ickes, and Ortina found it’s positive unless it uncovers relationship-threatening info—then it’s negative. Avoiding accuracy there boosts stability.
Seeing the world accurately isn’t our only goal. We crave reliable info for decisions, but also happiness, motivation, and confidence—especially when truth hurts. Sherlock Holmes nailed brutal facts but became a drug addict; those aren’t unrelated.
Same for lie detection: Do you want alarms blaring at well-intentioned white lies or compliments? No, enjoy them. Social life—job interviews, dates, politeness—can’t handle 24/7 truth. People ask questions they don’t want honest answers to, and it gets awkward.
Friendship: Underappreciated Gem with No Rulebook
Christakis defines friendship formally: “We can formally define friendship as a typically volitional, long-term relationship, ordinarily between unrelated individuals, that involves mutual affection and support, possibly asymmetric, especially in times of need.” Solid for research, but not day-to-day helpful.
Friendship gets screwed despite topping charts for happiness and health. It ranks below spouses, kids, family, even coworkers. We fund child therapists and marriage counselors, but let friendships die like pet goldfish.
Daniel Hruschka, friendship researcher at Arizona State, notes “friend” is spoken and written more than any relational term—even mother or father. Yet it gets the short end. Why? No formal institution: no law, religion, employer, or blood backs it. It’s 100% voluntary, undefined, with blurry expectations. Skip talking to your spouse for six weeks? Divorce looms. A friend? Meh.
Without rules, friendships are fragile. They wilt without care, but upkeep is deliberate—no clear minimums, and negotiating feels weird. Surveys show half of close friends fade within seven years. The thirties kill them: weddings gather pals, then jobs, marriages, kids devour time. Lifelong bonds? More likely siblings than buddies. Tragedy.
Friendship’s Fragility Is Its Strength
That weakness fuels immeasurable power. True friendships outshine spouses or kids in joy because they’re deliberate choices, never obligations. No institution forces them—you have to like your friends. Other ties persist without liking (parent, boss, spouse). Friendship’s fragility proves its purity: anyone can walk away anytime.
In a ruthless Darwinian world—lions biting gazelles, genes demanding spread—why friends? Family should rule. Friends help reproductively, but that makes it transactional math: evaluate by profit, ensure reciprocity. Nope. Absent strict reciprocity is friendship’s universal. It doesn’t match our emotional reality.
Source : Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong by Eric Barker
Goodreads : https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59818744-plays-well-with-others
Read the Previous Article in the Series :
Thinking Beyond Science 
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