Pity recognizes the other person’s perspective and acknowledges that their situation is unfortunate, but it does not progress to evoking personal emotions in the observer. Pity watches suffering without entering into it: pity is about me, not about the person in distress.
The deeper emotional responses of empathy and compassion arise when we are prepared not only to identify with the other person’s emotions, but to connect with them on a level at which we, too, feel deep emotion. Empathy is entirely focused on the suffering person; self-awareness is used to bring our personal experience and imagination into their service. An empathic response offers companionship in their place of suffering, and being prepared to witness, validate and accompany their distress.
By being aware of the sufferer’s perspective, recognising their emotion and connecting with a similar emotion inside ourselves, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. We move with them to the rhythm of their sorrowful music, taking their lead, recognising and reciprocating their vulnerability. The empathic supporter has stepped inside the sufferer’s experience as best they can, and instead of trying to change the experience they simply seek to accompany it: they have moved from observer to companion.
Processing bad news, contemplating future difficulties, remembering past troubles: these are all parts of being human. Our magpie minds assemble our predicaments and garnish them with fear, shame and guilt. They can build the pile of sorrow baubles so high it is hard to see anything else.
The impulse to help is innate: we are a cooperative species that has survived through millennia by working in groups. Working together saves time, reduces the individual effort of group members, conserves energy, and we can often achieve more together by harnessing the varied talents and combined strength of a group than we can by individual efforts. Co-working is a good thing.
Co-working involves the mutual consent of the co-workers. Each is involved in the endeavour; each will benefit from the results. Co-working is subtly different from helping. When we offer help and it is accepted, we have become a co-worker by agreement. When we simply do something that solves another person’s diffi-duly without being invited of asking permission, we have nor established that mutual consent criterion.
It can be hard to be completely and trustingly open with another person, yet we struggle even more to be honest with ourselves. Judgement accompanies self-reflection: we may underscore our faults or we may overlook them; we may bask in our gifts or hide them from ourselves; we may be our own worst critic in some areas yet offer ourselves a get-out clause in others. It is very hard indeed to accept ourselves, our skills and our gifts, our ineptitudes and failings, just as we are. We struggle even to understand our full complexity, simplifying ourselves down to two-dimensional labels like ‘kind’, ambitious’, ‘bad-tempered’, lucky, misunderstood.
Learning to listen to ourselves is a skill that takes practice and patience. We must allocate time to ourselves in which we can think and reflect, process our experiences, tell our own story and view it with curiosity and wonder. Perhaps this involves talking to a friend or a confidant, or perhaps keeping a journal. Perhaps we talk to strangers on public transport to tell our stories, or we tell them to the sky as we gaze to infinity from a comfortable seat or on a walk outdoors.
Listening to the voice within with self-acceptance allows us to meet ourselves, to explore our past and to recognise our potential. like every other person, we are both faved and yet magnificent individuals, each with capacity to reflect on out experiences in Order to grow and flourish. Each of us is capable and worthy of holding a mirror to ourselves to see the non-judgemental truth of our enormous possibility.
Our inner voice is a guide to our wellbeing. Self-care is vital when we are using our time, attention and compassion in the service of others. Supporting people requires our energy and commitment, whether we are the go-to friend in our social circle, the supportive relative of a troubled family member, or we have a professional helping role; it can be time-consuming and tiring. Bringing ourselves to sit beside another person’s deep distress can make us sad and leave us feeling drained. We are as worthy of our own care and compassion as anyone else.
If we stand perplexed and anxious at the edge of a possible conversation, useful threshold-crossing statements are variations on I have something very important to say ask’ and include “This may be an emotional conversation’, “This may be difficult for you to hear’, ‘I may find this hard to talk about’, ‘I have unexpected news’, I am looking for honest answers to some difficult questions.’ Each of these conveys that we are about to cross a threshold into a high-stakes conversation. Making a threshold-crossing statement also allows us to check that the other person or people involved understand that a significant conversation is in prospect, and that they have the right supporters with them before we begin.
Source : Listen by Kathryn Mannix
Goodreads : https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/58676989-listen
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